A lot has been going on in my life this year. I’ve kept a circle of people in the know on those details since everything started to unfold in January and for the time, those details will stay with those same people. There’s just too much to try to put on paper and too many people are affected by it. It’s haunted my dreams, and the topics I’ve been forced to discuss with my family are not only out of my comfort zone but should have been things I could have died without ever saying. I’m not sure if I’ve handled it the best way, but in a weird sort of way, the more I felt the weight of the situation, the more I felt a weight lifted. My life is forever changed and even though I feel like it’s for the better, it’s impossible to know. Long story short, the day I flew back to SF from Indy after Christmas, my mom left my dad for a high school classmate she’d recently reacquainted with. Almost 6 months later, the divorce is long final. She has a new house. My dad has a new girlfriend. I haven’t spoken to my mom, outside of a single letter I sent, since we said goodbye at the airport on January 3. They would be celebrating their 29th anniversary this Memorial Day weekend.

It’s dark & twisty, and when you juxtapose it against everything else happening back in Indiana, you can almost visualize the karmic scales keeping everything in balance. I’m really nervous about returning home and what emotions it will bring to see the end results of all these happenings in person. There’s a half-empty childhood home without my mom on one side and on the other, 3 friends with new babies & a couple with new husbands (at least all by the end of this year). Taking all of this change in from 3,000 miles away may be giving me a bigger cushion than I realize. I’ll also have to visit Tyler’s mom who has taken in our family dog after the divorce (because she’s a saint).

I needed to talk about this stuff, so it’s on the record. I wish I’d kept a diary of my daily emotions, as well as the insane series of dreams that plagued me, but for once, I’ll actually be a little relieved to forget parts of my life.

I’ve felt an intense change. I have noticed that the more parts of my life fall out of my control, the more I step up to take on things that are within my control. I’ve noted a new level of self-confidence at my job, speaking up and trying to make changes (even if it does make me the jerk more often than I’d like). I also see it in riding my bike to work. Just look at my Twitter feed to see all the passive aggressive MUNI complaints I’d made. Rain or shine, I’m on my bike or walking. Can’t always be the victim. I’m also back to buying tickets to concerts I want to see, rather than waiting for people to go with me. I’ve also taken initiative in dating. Nothing from that has really panned out, but I’m tired of sitting back and waiting for something to happen. However, it’s safe to say that my patience has been cut dangerously short, so I’m trying to stay cognizant of that fact, too.

I just really let myself slip after my initial high from starting over in SF. Sometimes, it just takes having your foundation shaken a little to realize you had been settled in a rut.

I talked to Amy Saturday and she & baby Fiona are doing so well, which makes me happy. I’ve (mostly) kept up my weekly vChat with Adam and that has been wonderful. Kali moved closer to my neighborhood this weekend. Yay! I’ve been seeing more of Tim & Emily, too. And Tyler & Ryan keep me from self-destructing on a daily basis. I’m really lucky to have such a friend base (list is not inclusive btw ;). It’s hard to know how everything that has happened might have messed me up without all of them letting me unload my extensive baggage.

But I think I’m okay. It’s been an adjustment and it never really seems to be over. As much as you want your parents to be adults about these things, their emotions are running too high. I’ve accepted there will continue to be flare-up’s. But Friday, I celebrated my 2-year anniversary in San Francisco at Triple Crown, and it was the perfect reminder that I have met a lot of wonderful people here and have made a nice life for myself.

I’m a native now, so let’s see what happens next.