I keep having a recurring dream of me driving. The scene always changes but each time, I run a red light. Last night, I did it in style in a mini cooper, and I must say it was quite the thrill ride. Beyond the literal thought that I think I’m a shitty driver, I think the red light means more. I’ve set personal roadblocks for myself and I’m keeping myself from doing great things.

Point in fact, Apple has an opening for a web writer. Minus my lack of mac proficiency, it sounds like a perfect fit for me. job description excerpt:

Excellent written communication skills mandatory, as should be obvious. Less obvious but no less mandatory is a well-functioning sense of humor, with which you imbue your writing, as well as practice on colleagues.

And so my red lights kick in “Apple is in Santa Clara Valley” “You won’t know anyone” “You said you wouldn’t move for 2 years” and so on.

But then I think, how freeing would it be to completely downsize my possessions and head to the coast?

I like my current job but I’m impatient. I want clients where I can exercise my brain. I want to be able to put my personality in my work. I feel caged by all the technical mumbo jumbo.

So I finally got to see Rach last night after lord knows how many months. We roamed broad ripple, and it was as if she’d never left. It was wonderful. But we parted ways on a threat. She basically said I better promise to apply to that damn job. No excuses. I couldn’t do it. I’m too damn rational. It’s not even the leave my family and whatever, it’s the cost/benefit analysis. It’s just not sensible.

And so now I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’m happy because of the people or if I really think the projects I crave are just around the corner. I love Carmel. I love Indy. I love my friends. But I feel I’m missing out on something grand.

Then again, I sense that something grand is right under my nose, I just haven’t figured it out yet.