Safe, an extended family. Growing up, I used those words to describe life in a smalltown. I could take lone bike rides and go to school with no thoughts of being in danger. Crime and gangs existed only inside the city limits. Over the years, my hometown has had its scattered share of small tragedies. We called them random, called them rare. We wrote a small article in the county paper and went on with life, pretending they didn’t occur. We were safe in our smalltown of friendly neighbors.

When we were visiting home last week, my sister and I both began having a series of nightmares, all centered around our high school. The nightmares have continued and the overall themes seem to translate that I’m afraid of and unwilling to accept the existence of some part of myself. I’ve finally realized the identity of that part. A scared, paranoid feeling has pushed out the safe, comforted feeling I once had for my hometown.

My little brother does his share of stupid things, but I like to think that he’s a good and intelligent kid. He has a devoted female following and is a friend to nearly half the county, young and old. However, some boys his age at the rival county high school were seeking him out. They wanted to “kick his ass.” Come to find out, the leader of the boys is the ex-boyfriend of my brother’s last girlfriend. Keep in mind, they’re 15, and they have all seemed to experience more relationship drama than I have at 23 but that’s another story.

I’m afraid for my brother. Everyday, more boys in our safe smalltown are taking & selling drugs, buying weapons, and getting more and more mad at the world, seemingly out of jealousy of others with more successful lives. These boys are showing up with guns at arranged fights, sending threats, and recently our local bank was held up for something like the second time in 60 years with a burger king sack no less.

I know my brother has some sense but the inner teenage boy and accompanying need to look tough for his friends weighs heavy on my mind. It only takes one moment for everything to go wrong. I want to be there to protect him, to show him anger and retaliation help nothing, but I also acknowledge that some things in life cannot be taught, only learned through experience. I learned that lesson firsthand.

So what can I do? There exists no more despair than in the feeling of helplessness. The statistics support my brother surviving without harm, but this world is changing so drastically before my eyes everyday that I lack trust in it holding true indefinitely. Why does everyone feel such anger and distrust for their fellow man? I fear for all of us, because in reality we all treat our country as one big smalltown, safe.

If children all over our country are killing each other, I do not see how that holds much hope for the future. Somewhere, sometime long ago, something went horribly wrong… I hate to be the one to break the news but happy Disney movies and censoring today’s entertainment will not solve a damn thing. But as my dreams suggest, we’re afraid to acknowledge the part of ourselves that’s the true culprit. We must all make peace with ourselves before we can ever hope for peace with each other.