I cautiously write this post with a watchful eye on the sky, looking out for the meteor (or flying toilet seat) that is most certainly tracking in my direction. Further, I embark on documenting a week so full of good things, that it will likely never be rivaled in my lifetime, with full awareness that some of my closest friends will recall it with much less affection. But as so many people say but rarely do, we must celebrate our wins and not dwell on our losses. With that said, let’s rewind to July 17 while I step through this incredible week in excruciating detail.

Friday, July 17, 4:58 P.M.

It had been another ridiculously crazy day, like every other workday for the past month. What made today different was the growing pressure to pull off a personal miracle somewhere between all this chaos. As announced a few weeks ago, Trent Reznor had decided the upcoming end of the NIN tour didn’t feel quite right, so they announced a string of a few more dates in Chicago, NYC, & LA for the weeks after their return from Europe. These shows would also be at medium-sized venues, not huge amphitheatres. Any late-comer to NIN like myself has spent 10 years beating themselves up for missing the early days when NIN played regular venues, places where you could fight your way to the front with your elbows and not extreme Ticketmaster timing & clicking.

And so, here I was at work, faced with the worry of how I could land a ticket to a 1500-person venue for an artist who sells out 30,000-person amphitheatres. I was refreshing the tour website at every free moment, when finally at 3 P.M. I decided on a whim to just login and see what happened. What happened was I got placed in a digital line with a screen that read, “Do not refresh this page or you will lose your place in line.” I was panic-stricken. When you’re a web developer, your browser is half your job, but I knew the sites I was working on with their browser login prompts and Actionscript errors were quite capable of crashing my Firefox, which now so delicately housed my chance to fulfill yet another NIN-related dream. I couldn’t risk using keyboard commands and minimizing a browser never required such finesse.

Then, at 4:58 P.M., two minutes before tickets went on sale, it happened: “Sorry, page cannot be found.” The fear paralyzed my lungs. I felt my heart stall. There was a little button, which said, “Try again.” It was as if I were choosing between the red & blue wire. I closed my eyes and clicked. It worked. I breathed. Then, it happened again. 4:59 now. My hand was visibly shaking, and I could barely move the mouse. It came back again. Phew. I was immediately redirected to the purchase page. I glanced around me. A visit from a PM could bring this all crashing down. I had set out my credit card early as well as a paper listing dates of my first and second choice shows, in case the panic of the moment stripped my memory. I navigated the screens with the smooth moves of a gazelle, a gazelle with trembling limbs, stumped only by the question of GA floor or balcony. That information was nowhere on my cheat sheet! Floor it is for elbow fighting. By 5:02 I was on a confirmation screen. I was like a new father handing out cigars, as I ran to the lobby to dial my sister with the news. These tickets were for so much more than a concert; they were for a great west coast adventure to be shared with my sister. She will be flying in to SF so we can drive down to LA and see our favorite band together for one last time at the Henry Fonda Theater. I’m beyond excited, even if I was stuck at the office until 10:30 that night.

Sunday, July 19

It’s game day, and I’m a nervous wreck. I was supposed to carpool with a girl from work, but between NIN panic attacks and actual work, I forgot to exchange contact info. I was reading online about an anticipated 50,000 people also going to Stanford for the Inter vs. Club America World Football Challenge. The thought of the traffic gave me cold sweats. However, the company had bought me a ticket and I had already told people I would be there, which in my book added up to a promise I would go. As it would turn out, there are perks to feeling an overwhelming sense of obligation to fulfill relatively unimportant promises.

Sunscreen, water, and butterscotch brownies in hand, I hit the road right at 1 P.M. It was a beautiful day for a drive, and Holiday & I weaved through traffic with speed and precision, rocking to Garbage’s Version 2.0, which I had fished out from the deep abyss of my CD binder. We paced with a Porsche for most of the drive and within an hour found ourselves meandering through Palo Alto. I’d watched the thermometer climb to a steady 83-degrees. I tried cheating the system and looking for street parking. My attempt wasn’t fully in vain, as it did loop me around to avoid the line of traffic entering the parking lots. I was directed to my spot by 3 young parking attendants executing some fun dance moves. I asked them for directions to the other lot and soon spotted Sallie, Alex, & James chilling under a tree ahead of me. It appeared our tailgating leaders were nowhere to be found. So much for introducing our Brits to the tradition. We made do and enjoyed a slightly cooler couple hours in the shade, slightly dreading entering the sun-drenched heat of the stadium. I had fun talking to the trio, though. It was cool to get some other perspectives on moving to SF. Despite our varied time here, we seem to be of the same basic opinion about the difficulty of making non-work friends.

We greeted TJ & Antonio’s late arrival with small not so subtle doses of teasing about their tardiness. We ventured over to the stadium, where despite some successful adult beverage smuggling, the less than subtle partaking the moment we sat down got it confiscated. Everyone wave to the CEO sitting 2 rows behind us.

It was my first professional soccer experience. We lucked in to seats in the shade and relatively close to the field. I had Antonio sitting next to me, who played in a club in Mexico in a former life. I believe his footwork made it in to some Nike videos. He explained things that were happening and pointed out any noteworthy people: Patrick Vieira (older but one of the best in his prime) and Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Nike-sponsored and highest paid footballer in the league, being sold to Barcelona, so we may have seen his last match with Inter). The coolest part of the game was Club America’s Salvador Ortega doing a backwards kick, that would have only been cooler if it scored a goal. There were lots of missed scoring opportunities, so the game ended with a tie, to be settled by a round of penalty kicks. Sadly, Viera was the only one who missed his kick, so Club America won the game. We watched him warm up from the sidelines through the first half, sporting his Nike swoosh.

I caught myself zoning out a few times, but I did enjoy the pace of the game. 90-minutes went by rather quickly. The local Palo Alto Special Olympics team played a short game at half time, which brought back some pleasant memories of my photo adventures with RHI Sports in Indy. Overall, I had fun, but since it was a friendly game, it lacked a bit of action and fierceness that I expected.

We ended up doing our true tailgating after the game, which confused the people parked around us. We set out our camp chairs, Mike & Olivia pulled up their amazing transformer German van, and we watched James try to live out his dream of being a quarterback in the dusty lot and laughed unabashedly as he wiped out going for a catch. It was my favorite part of the day. Charles joined us, too, so it was nice to see him before he hit the road for Atlanta.

I had an odd dose of déjà vu with Mike & Olivia’s daughter. She was a German-speaking version of childhood self. I told my mom some of the things she said & did and it even freaked my mom out a bit. In talking to Olivia, it sounds like there were a lot of similarities in how we were raised. Interesting to think how such similar people can be raised in two completely different worlds. She had some incredible insights about mother/son & father/daughter relationships. In the 30 minutes I talked to her, she managed to clear up half of my childhood. It was frightening. I also learned that Sallie moved away from home when she was my age for nearly the exact same reasons. That slice of the afternoon was a strange overarching glimpse at my past, present, and future self. Had I spent anymore time thinking about it in that moment, I’m certain I would have fainted or had a panic attack.

As the sun dropped lower in the sky, we realized the long summer day had deceived us of the time. We all had to be at the office tomorrow. I squeezed the Brits in to the backseat while Sallie rode shotgun and we traveled back to the city. It was such a fun end to the day. Three iPhones in the car and we still didn’t know where we were going. Alex became the most ridiculed backseat navigator, while Sallie & James swapped stories of driving on ice. They were a great trio and had nothing but nice things to say about Holiday. I think Sallie’s quote was, “Mindy, this is the most fucking adorable car ever,” where as Alex inquired about the lack of union jack on my roof. We were all nearly lulled to sleep by Andrew Bird’s Useless Creatures by the time we arrived in Frisco. After dropping Sallie at her car, we popped in The Doors. As I tried to drop the boys at their respective corners of the city, we again found ourselves lacking direction. All was well, though, because driving in the city is fun after dark; turns and hills become “mini” adventures in the traffic-less night. I zoomed & twisted my way home through The Presidio, and the excitement of the day helped fight the cold on the walk home from the garage. So thankful for that sense of obligation. And within minutes of emailing the CEO a thank you for the ticket that night, we had a Twitter exchange, which I shoved in Tim’s face the next morning. I was thankful for that, too.

July 20-22

The good spirits from the weekend adventure were soon melted away by the realities of Monday morning. It wasn’t just work but also the start of a cold and generally overcast week. I held on to the memories and kept reminding myself of my upcoming trip to LA, but my spirits were on a quick downward spiral back to the dark place I’ve spent the past month. I couldn’t help but feel guilt for feeling this way as news of much worse happenings came to surface from some friends. I broke my no-eating-out rule and spent an hour at Panera, trying to warm myself from the 58-degrees July afternoon. All came crashing down again by afternoon, though. I was certain that Wednesday would yield a real nervous breakdown.

Thursday, July 23

There was the slightest break in the clouds with the postponement of a site launch by a few days. I was finally able to breath a little, and I was so thankful. TJ delivered our Kobe “Four Rings” t-shirts. When he asked if I wanted one, I had no idea they would be in such popular demand. There were apparently some others who really wanted one, so I felt bad about that.

By early afternoon, I was being called in to a conference room for a quick meeting. At last, my promotion had become official. I could finally sleep at night without the anxiety of having an associate title at age 27 hanging over my head. And truly, the 2 nights since have delivered the soundest sleep in months. It was unfortunate that things had been delayed for so long, but I tried to be thankful that it had come at all.

In late afternoon, we all gathered in the kitchen for our 2nd Employee of the Quarter announcement. I was in the back, unable to hear a word, just like last time. I only saw the top of the first guy’s head. The second guy was Kyle, who sits in our room, so his name got shouted back our way. I was truly happy to hear his name, as I could personally vouch for his worthiness of the recognition. Then, they called the third person. I couldn’t hear a word of the speech, but it did sound a bit like my last name. There aren’t a lot of names that sound like McCutchan in our office. When Kali turned around with big eyes and beckoned me, I was like, “oh, crap, did they say my name?” So people were laughing as I squeezed through the crowd and got some pats on the back on the way. I felt like I’d just been called on in class while daydreaming out the window. I scanned the room, counting on the fact that whomever had just spoken about me would be holding something and looking in my direction. Phew, he was. I really didn’t even know what to say. I had really hoped to win the first quarter, but after seeing the type of picks, I pretty much gave up hope that I ever had a chance. What’s that they say about finding things when you stop looking… I was truly dumbfounded and immediately bombarded by ways to spend my $500 prize. I didn’t get to hear any of the recognition-worthy things I allegedly did, but a member of HR told me that lots of people had some very nice things to say. I have mixed feelings about the whole idea of employee of the anything, but I will admit that it was pretty awesome to be recognized. For a girl who spent her childhood chasing purple ribbons and academic awards, I’d be lying if I said public recognition weren’t a large motivating factor in my life…for better or worse. It was definitely a strange turn of events following 2 months of basically loathing my role at work.

To cap off the day, I arrived home to find my SF Symphony 2009-10 series tickets in my mailbox. I was successful in scoring cheap seats for all 7 concerts.

Friday, July 24

Last week, I was charged with bringing in snacks. Well, originally it was with libations but since I wasn’t up for the teasing I would get at bringing Capri Sun’s instead of beer, I thought baked goods would be a safe substitution. I was second guessing my plan after everything that happened Thursday, but I decided I would endure the comments and stick to the plan. I stayed up late making cinnamon rolls and baked them fresh in the morning, managing to keep them warm all the way to the office. Sadly, I didn’t manage to keep from smashing them. Nevertheless, they seemed to brighten some people’s Friday morning despite the “oh, is this our thank you?” comments. It was like high school all over again. The day after any awards ceremony, your name not only becomes substituted by whatever award you won but anything you do is because of that award, too. It kind of sucks, but you have to take it in stride and hope something else happens to distract them. I am excited to announce that we may have kicked off a weekly event: “beer or baked goods Friday.” A girl already volunteered to bake for next week.

The few people who knew what a terrible time I’d been having at work, asked how I was handling this emotional rollercoaster and if I were anxious about what else the week had yet to bring. I replied I was scared of anything else it might deliver. And yet, I got an IM from Tyler about their upcoming album. He sent me the final cover art. I was still busy at work, so I didn’t read it or anything. A bit later Tyler said, “So did you see your shout-out on the album?” I was all question marks, since they hadn’t used any of my photos or anything and I certainly didn’t sing backup. Then, I spotted my name, scattered between mentions of Phil Keaggy, family, and Taco Bell:

“…Mindy McCutchan for being the best fan ever”

I told him I was going to cry, and before he could laugh and tell me not to, I was already teary-eyed. I sniffled and wiped them away before my neighbors had a chance to inquire what spurred me to burst in to tears sitting at my desk. I still don’t know what to say. I mean, I am a solid fan (hehe), but one doesn’t expect a call-out on a band’s first full album release. It will live on the list of things “so nice and unexpected they made me cry,” alongside my surprise going away party back in Indy. The album art is so beautiful; I’ve already put in a poster request. I’m anxiously waiting to have the final CD in-hand, which should happen in the next couple months. So excited for the boys! They’ve put so much work in making this happen. (Tyler & Jon did arrive home from Ukraine safe & sound, be it a bit shaken by the realities of the people they helped over there. Powerful stories on their team’s blog.)

Later in the afternoon, I was cc’ed on a reply to a very exciting email. And now, I can finally unveil the good news I mentioned a couple posts back. With the option of moving across the country to some cool exciting city and company already off the table, I decided I needed to make some even bigger changes to finally rid myself of this evil they call web development.

I met with HR and the resource manager who coordinated my initial hire as well as the leading man in our video editing department. I met with the latter over lunch at Panera. Before we had even made the two-block walk there, I was completely enthralled and every synapse in my brain was firing off “you have to work with this man.”  I told him that early in my time here, I’d worked on implementing a video campaign for Nike Football called Blood, Sweat, & Tears. I asked if he had seen it, because I had been so inspired by it, that I called home and talked to my mom about it for 2 hours. And I’m the furthest thing from a sports fan/player. He threw me a curveball when he said he had edited that piece for us as a freelancer and it was the project that made him decide to come onboard. My reaction was exactly the impact he had been aiming for, so I had unintentionally just paid him a huge compliment. Few first meetings start out on such a high note. I connected with everything he said during our meeting. And work excitement aside, I liked him as a person. I felt we came from similar backgrounds, and he was exactly the type of person I would hope to have as a mentor. As exciting as that is, it also sets the bar for success that much higher, because I would feel terrible if I let him down. Our lunch was about a month ago. We were both quite busy (took 5 reschedules to get that meeting), so things were sort of left with a promise that I would learn software on my own and he would look out for projects I could work on.

And so, this email arrives saying something like, “sounds good to me.” I scanned down the thread to see the original email was from the video editor suggesting they utilize me for an upcoming case study video to feed my interest and see what I can do. I immediately let out a little “weeee!” and immediately collapsed in to a state of nervous panic. I haven’t worked with the software nearly as much as I had hoped to by now, and I’m just utterly afraid of failure. I’m so happy to be getting a chance, though. So it may take late nights and scaling some major learning curves, but I know that I will do everything I can to do a good job. Right before heading out for the weekend, I met with my manager, as busyness had kept me from telling him of any of these plans. However, with results starting to stem from all the talks, I knew I had to make time. I had been quite nervous about telling him of my intentions, but he was very supportive and encouraging of my decision. My Friday departure from the office marked the first time in awhile where I wasn’t riddled with anxiety/worry/anger. I could just breathe.

Today

Without a doubt, I’m still whirring from the unexpectedness this past week delivered. Really, the best part was being able to come home and have time to bake those cinnamon rolls. These days, the long hours are often necessary, but unregulated, they can begin to consume more than just your time. I was lucky to have the events of this week shake me from my stupor and slowly remind me of all the things that make me who I am: the slightly obsessed but dedicated fan, the researcher out to discover something new, and the student who (maybe naively) believes hard work and persistence will pay off in the end.

As I watched Marley & Me for the first time last night, I felt like all those tears were the final act of cleansing from these months of pent up anger and unhappiness from so many things in my life right now. I just have to keep my head above the water as I face the rest of this year, trying to tackle yet another big change in my career with the same simple hope that it will bring me that much closer to some satisfaction with how I spend my days. There is much to look forward to in the coming months, from visitors to adventures. I need to do a better job of reminding myself. And I guess this is goodbye, as that meteor should be mighty close after these 7 pages.