August 01, 2008
I was kidnapped and texting with crows
I stayed up later last night hoping I might sleep in a bit. No dice. Up an hour before my alarm. My brain was “on” the moment I opened my eyes. I started brainstorming projects when suddenly, images from my dream started pouring in. I dreamed I was kidnapped, along with my brother & sister, whose images faded in and out in to faces of strangers. At first, our captor was a large man with a mustache and a little assistant but soon, it became my dad. I was wearing a huge shirt so I kept trying to text my mom blindly from under it. I’m a paranoid girl so these are things I roughly know how to do: compose a text without looking at the screen. I kept hitting wrong buttons in the dream, though, and when I got to a bathroom, where I could actually look, my screen was a series of little icons of crows that didn’t appear to mean anything at all.
Most of the imagery is from Secret of NIMH, but the themes, I’m not so sure. I was talking to a girl last night about how she missed having seasons and we shared stories of seasonal habits from our childhood. I can only guess that planted a seed of homesickness in me. Also, in the dream, my mom was off in Europe, so I could be missing Amsterdam a bit too. Hearing the girl last night did make me a little sentimental. Those are conversations I need to avoid. Her references to the smell of fall and starting fires in the winter all spoke to me 100%.
I’m still happy here, though, but you could say I feel a bit trapped by my past. The movie I watched last night was all about finding who you are, so that probably brought this kidnapping theme about. I believe it represents feeling trapped by a situation or yearning for a chance to start again. It connects with too many situations present in my life right now. Many voids and barriers all at the same time.
I’m getting along just fine though. I’ve read some Emerson everyday this week, and something about his words and thoughts makes me feel more like I have place in this world. I share his observations but lack the talents to share them so thoughtfully. In speaking with his terms, right now I’m doing a poor job at letting the soul shine through me. At the same time, my trip brought with it some huge revelations about myself—not anything I didn’t know but things I knew and have tried to bury.
I’m embracing who I am and what I enjoy, while at the same time trying to balance a modest social existence. I’m an introvert. I enjoy simple pleasures and crowds stress me out in most scenarios. I forced myself to go to a social gathering after work yesterday. I was tired which didn’t help me branch out but I still met a few people. I think there is a guy at work who has been assigned as my secret social worker. Every time I’m out, he gives me a hard time when I leave early, even though I never ever speak to him at work or have a reason to. And his wife works with us too so it’s nothing like he has a thing for me. It appears to be a genuine concern about my social life. Last night, he came up to me and said “You’re shy aren’t you?” I replied, “I’m an introvert.” because I believe there’s a difference. I’m okay talking to people but as an introvert, I’m okay not talking to them too. Something extroverts don’t get. I’m just very curious as to his interests. Of course, I’m going to analyze something most people wouldn’t think twice about. It’s what I do best.
Anyway. I’m trying to be true to me. Cooking & baking brings me pleasure so I’m doing that. Being out late brings down my mood the next day, so I’m going to bed on time. I like social time with small groups so I’m seeking out those experiences. Tyler played therapist for me about all this stuff. I told him I was struggling to differentiate the things I really enjoy from the things I force myself to enjoy to fit in. He set me straight. He said simply that the feeling I have when I go for a walk and take photos is different from the one when I’m out at a club. Indeed. Indeed. I’m not a partier but I always end up with partier friends because they’re extroverted and suck me in. I try to keep up with their idea of fun and it just ends me up feeling stressed and expended. I like going to chill places and having good conversation with a few close people. I just need to find my group. My go-to set of people who get that I’m anti-social sometimes but know I always have their backs and just understand who I am. I was spoiled in Indy. I had so many people with whom I could be myself and join in events I enjoyed. I don’t know where to find those people here but I’m looking. Until I find them, I have faith I can take care of myself. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being alone and being okay with it.