April 11, 2004
Well, it’s like Easter or something, and I’m struggling to get my project finished. No way it’ll happen. I was listening to Patsy Cline this morning, but I realized that I connect with her songs way too much and she pretty much makes me depressed. So yeah, I just switched to Rufus. More depressing love songs :) Why do I put myself through such torture?
Isn’t it weird how some experiences transcend time, culture, and everything? How could Patsy, way back in the day in her country music world, be able to exactly describe the things I’m thinking/experiencing years later in a more pseudo-intellectual college environment? Kind of strange.
But “why can’t he be you?” Sheesh! How many times do you find this guy who is really horrible to you but for some reason, you always want him over the guy you have that’s like “perfect” to you? It’s fucked up. We humans are gluttons for pain. That’s all I have to say.
My brain is obviously notifying me of my denial through dreams and my extreme reactions to Patsy Cline songs. I thought denial was supposed to be the easy way out, but no, no. My brain is always fully aware that I’m forcing the denial. I can’t outsmart myself. It’s so damn annoying. And it seems I can see right through other people’s denial. Thus, I can’t even be comforting to people for random things, because my brain is saying stuff like “hi, I’m Mindy’s brain, and she’s tried to pull this denial shit, too, and so yeah, I’m not falling for your crap either. Cut the shit and admit it…you really think this or that” ARGH!! And I keep losing control over it and now I’ve started actually speaking this aloud to people. And it is a fact, that most people really can’t handle the truth. Denial is the main driving force behind the survival of the human race. Unfortunately, my apparent lack of this ability will eventually kill me. It’s already making life hard as hell.
So yeah, I’m going to return to distracting myself with c# but how I’m supposed to concentrate with all this shit going on in my head? Yes, Mindy, I know I need to date or get a boyfriend or something but Jesus, you know once you do, you’re not gonna want it anymore and this whole cycle of shit is just gonna start over and you’re gonna be more resentful than this round. BLAH!!!