Isn’t guilt a funny thing?

I’ve discussed/experienced about every kind of guilt in the past couple days. First there was the day of shopping, after which I felt horrible for spending so much money on clothes, especially when we got a call that a family’s home in our hometown had burnt to the ground, just months after they had finished there years of additions and remodeling…and no insurance. So I wondered…if I were a truly good person, would I have stopped shopping for myself and began buying items or gift certificates for the family, even though I didn’t really know them. I imagine some lady at the church will start a fundraiser for them…that’s what those ladies live for but that’s a discussion for another day.

And then there’s the encounter w/ a person from the past, which I didn’t acknowledge. For a second, I almost felt bad but that quickly got scratched. They were the ones who looked guilty, they couldn’t even make eye contact. But you know, it’s times like that where you wish you had something really witty to say that would just leave them dumbfounded. Alas, even after all the sleepless nights I’ve spent thinking of such a line, I was speechless when the moment presented itself. I really do wish I would have waved and said hi just to humiliate them. oh well now.

Well, that takes us to guilt type #3. Before guilt #2, I had sort of decided that I would stop seeing so much of one of my new friends because I felt guilty for being friends with him, well more so for spending as much time as I do when he sort of has a g/f…but not really…yeah don’t ask me either. When he speaks badly of her personality and says he can have better conversations with me, I suppose I could take it as a compliment but rather I feel bad that he’s enjoying time with me. Even though he appears to have no “extended” interest in me, I almost feel a umm…what’s the word…nest breaker upper something rather….yeah. But do I truly feel guilt or do I rather feel a moral obligation to feel guilt? That’s the big question and sometimes I fear it’s the latter. B/c god knows I’ve been in this position too many times in my life, and it seems that almost each time the guy eventually takes full interest in me and that just gets messy. It’s tough times. Do i try to be a good person and keep my distance to completely prevent this occurrence or do i take my chances, enjoy life, and if something happens, it happens…it’s not my fault, it’s her’s, right? Not that I’m too entirely worried in this current instance, but generally speaking…either path leaves me feeling a bit guilty. It’s not like it’s my goal in life to be a b/f thief. I speak to these guys like normal friends…no flirting or anything…in fact, i’m usually quite a bitch and YET, it’s OMG i want you now, so they get me and then i dump them a bit later b/c it was flattering for them to like me at first and then a mix of guilt and boredom and maybe a little fear causes me to move on. and then i come across those times that i should drop them and i don’t…and so now i still feel guilt about some of the ones i dropped for really no reason at all and hanging on to the ones that brought me so much pain and gave me reason everyday to walk away.

So guilt, it’s a horrible thing. And right now, I’m sitting here typing this post after one of the most enjoyable evenings of my life, wondering if I should feel bad for having such a good time because I had work I should have been doing instead. Some girl sat at home last night and didn’t even get a invite-rejection email due in part to me. I know what you’re thinking. damn, this girl is insane, no one has that level of a guilty conscience. Well, I didn’t wake up at 7am and stare at the ceiling for 1.5 hours for nothing. And thus, it is due to my overwhelming conscience that I am only good friends with one person at a time and definitely only dating one person in a given period. Otherwise, I feel guilty about too many other things…talking too much about one friend to the other friend, choosing who gets my Friday and who gets my Saturday, seeming to do more for one friend than the other…it’s all too messy. So I’m definitely a minimalist where it counts. Fewer the num of people, less the amount drama…less chance of getting screwed over, increased chance of getting too attached (price u pay for the other benefits) and fewer guilty faces.