Has your mind ever been so preoccupied by one thing that the rest of your life basically ceases to function? It not, count your blessings. I’m the type of person that likes to find resolutions to all problems encountered, no matter how big or small. It goes with my aquarian nature as a problem-solver. As helpful as this attribute can be, especially in schoolwork, it can be quite a curse when applied to social situations. I just took a break for a horoscope read, and it’s very interesting. My horoscope very closely corresponds to what I was going to talk about:

Sometimes you despair at the state of the world. Did you ever think that your dark mood might be contributing to the low morale around here? If you don’t like it, you can change it. Step between friends who fiercely disagree over some unimportant issue. Even if you have to impose your way of thinking on them, make them see that this is for the good of the community. This strategy could be frustrating at first, but you can’t get around the necessity of working with others if you want the situation to improve. This is the true beginning of heroism.

Call it coincidence but I think astrology has some substance to its claims. I really despise it when I get in these moods…work just doesn’t get done, i sleep for over 12 hours, and meals consist of grilled cheese, if i can gather up that much motivation. I just lose my appetite at such times. Talk about major needs for conflict resolution.

Of course, my current issues are probably being heightened by the fact that I am getting homesick for the first time in awhile. I’ve never really looked forward to spring break so much in my life. I’m a little burnt out and hoping to seek refuge in the outdoors back at home with some 4-legged friends. I’ve spent most of this week staring out my window watching the geese, Howard, and all the activity around the pond outside my window, just thinking about going for a bike ride at home or taking the dogs out with me to get the newspaper.

As much as I love my work, it’s a bit meaningless alone. I mean…what is the artist without an audience? I’m on a constant quest to meet people that I can share a bit of my day with and even more for people who want to share their day in return. I need a part-time roommate hehe.

Yeah, this is long. deal. So to the title of my entry, with all these feelings going on, I need a refuge. My problem is time after time I go after the same type of refuge and it does nothing positive for me. I don’t like going around sharing all my inner thoughts with every person I encounter. Rather, I usually choose 1 or 2 with whom I unload everything on. Problem? yes, especially since they are always males. Not only do I leave them thinking I’m a psycho obsessive and I crave their attention, but I usually come to rely on them for too much and when they stop listening, I lose part of my base. It really pisses me off…not them leaving but the fact that after all this time, effort, focus, and big talk, I still can’t count on myself.

Of course, it’d be nice if these guys would realize I’m not completely crazy, just a little lonely. For people who don’t live alone, I don’t think they completely understand what it’s like to come home everyday to an empty apartment, to always cook for one, and to sometimes go days with out actual human interaction. As much as I love it in general, there are days it gets to me. However, when this happens, I don’t want to go out and use one person to get my “human interaction fix”. Rather, I’d prefer to have someone/people that I’m on a constant interaction basis with. I suppose this is all very confusing to everyone reading this…just trust me.

The obvious solution is to develop a wider friend base and share the love so to speak, but that just leaves me feeling shallow and used up. I despise the thought of a bunch of convenient pseudo-friends; it’s just all too superficial for me on the long-term. I desire a few, select dependable friends. For now, my sis is the only person who I can really count on, and I count my blessings for that. As much as I’d like to be fully self-sufficient, that life becomes a little empty. Even the strongest of us need their own form of support. It’s just finding the right support that consumes my mind.