So my BFF Amy over at Drawings In Motion has kicked off a themed photo adventure, to be continued by other participants throughout the coming weeks. This week was color week, so each day people needed to post photos that emphasized the color of the day. Sadly, I was too sick to get out and participate on Mon & Tues, but I’ve jumped in mid-week for Yellow Wednesday. I’m gonna be tossing all my photos for this sort of thing here, as if any of you care :) As awesome as this is for making me take photos everyday (even if it is with my P&S), I think the real outcome is overcoming my social anxiety for taking photos of public things. I am so self-conscious when it comes to whipping out the camera. I live in fear of being labeled as a tourist. Anyway, I grabbed my yellow shots on the way home from work and I think I actually got some cool ones. Even if they aren’t cool, I wrote some hilarious captions, which you would have seen already if you’d followed the link that I shared that I said you wouldn’t care about so you clicked it just to prove me wrong. Otherwise, here it is again hehe.
Also, I’m feeling better. Thanks for all the "get well soon’s". Even though you didn’t send them, I could just feel you were all thinking of me. I’m not back to 100% but I’m functioning. I got put on a new account at work, which was actually a lot of fun to work on today. I started in on The Art of Happiness on the bus ride home, and it’s just re-enforcing all the things I’ve been doing. However, it did bring about a revelation about "desire". He said something to the effect of desire being good if you desire what you already have or need, but not so good, if your desires consist of a bunch of wants. Even if you get the first want, it will just create the desire to outdo the first one. Eventually, however, your wants will surpass what is realistic for you to attain, and then you’re just gonna go get all down on yourself. Also, most of those wants relate to comparisons we make with the people around us. I’m totally embracing the fact that I am good at taking a shitload of content and making it all pretty on a website. And I can do it super fast. I handled the task that they had allotted a week for me to do in 4 hours. Yeah, I’m amazing haha. Anyway, point is I enjoy this stuff, even though other people think it’s trivial & mundane. I need to stop thinking about what other people think of it, and embrace the fact that an awesome agency is paying me pretty good money to do this "simple" work, allowing me to live in beautiful San Francisco. Heck yeah. It’s only when I start trying to justify my place in life to people around me that I feel it sucks, so I need to remember that I’m the only person I have to answer to and leave it at that. I wasn’t planning on a rant but it kinda happened, didn’t it?
Oh, and Tyler thinks I’m a good friend. He totally cheered me up by saying so, without me even hinting about wanting to hear it, so it’s definitely something I wanted to put on the record. Tyler’s turned out to be a pretty amazing friend, too.
I awoke yesterday with a pretty bad sore throat. I counted it as a side effect of being around all the cigarette smoke the last couple days. But it lingered and got worse. I had a serious debate about sitting out the last day of the festival. My obsession with Andrew Bird pulled me in to the shower and out the door to the bus. On top of not feeling well, I was quite fatigued, as I’d been unable to let myself sleep in the past 2 mornings after the late night. I was walking about in a bit of a daze, but the warm, sunny day helped keep me awake.
I arrived just after Stars had taken the stage. I listened and they were pretty good, but they didn’t make me fall in love with them. I didn’t even grab any photos. As soon as they wrapped up, I worked my way as close to the stage as possible in anticipation for Andrew Bird. That silly boy has gotten too big of a fan base. I got a spot 1 row back from the front but off far to the right. I didn’t get many awesome photos since I had to zoom so far, which was sad, since I could be paid to walk around taking photos of this man all day. He’s just so interesting to watch. He opened the show as he often does with a solo drawn out, theatrical version of Why?. I was surprised when an extra man appeared on stage alongside Dosh & Jeremy E. Apparently, he added a bass/clarinet player and never told me... The guy was a nice addition, though, especially the clarinet solo during Tables & Chairs (I think...it’s blurring). It made me want to re-cork my clarinet and get the sheet music.
He played a new track off his upcoming album, which was great. I was mainly excited because I’m really in to Tables & Chairs right now, so when he said they had 1 more and played that track, I was in heaven. Overall, it might have been the best Andrew Bird show I’d seen, aside from the venue. He restructured (yet again) so many of the songs, so it was as if I were hearing them for the first time. And of course, he was still a little strange & quirky and I spent most the show fantasizing about how awesome it would be to be his best friend and take walks together on his farm. I haven’t found a full setlist, but I believe he played: Why?, Fiery Crash, Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left, The Happy Birthday Song, Skin is, My (dedicated to Ben, the boy who calls it the balloon song), Tables & Chairs, Imitosis, & Heretics. Plenty of tracks from Mysterious Production, which was lovely. I love you, Andrew Bird. Whenever you want to hang out, you need only to let me know.
I lacked faith that any of the other bands could top my Andrew Bird time, but after another debate, I decided to give them a chance. I meandered over to check out The Cool Kids. I knew nothing about them other than having a few people tell me they were awesome. They turned out to be an entertaining set of gentlemen, really keeping the crowd hyped up with their antics. Personally, my favorite part was their beatboxing. It was a good time, for sure.
I was really tired by this point, so I stuck to the back of the crowd for Broken Social Scene. I’d never heard these guys but several people seemed to think I should be a fan. I liked them a bit more than Stars, but it was still the same deal, where they didn’t really grab me. Granted, being so far from the stage makes it really hard to get in to a show, especially when you don’t know any of their songs. It was pleasant background music, while I sat on the ground with standing people all around me.
I left Broken Social Scene a bit early to walk over for Rogue Wave. I just didn’t feel like sitting in the crowd anymore. I grabbed a spot near the stage and just passed the time staring at the ground. I enjoy the few Rogue Wave songs in my library, so I was hoping it would be a good show. These guys well-surpassed my mid-level expectations. I might go so far as to say they were the most entertaining performance of the festival. They were having a fantastic time on stage and it carried in to their performance. The guitarist on my side of the stage was dancing, running in place, and rocking out with all the other members. I loved them. They played Publish my Love and Bird on a Wire, which was hands-down my favorite song of the show. They went in to an extended jam and carried it straight in to the next song. Pretty amazing. High energy and great music. Highly, highly recommend them.
Honestly, coming off Rogue Wave, Wilco felt like a bit of a downer. I can’t even decide how I feel about this band. I have some of their music, and I enjoy it but never crave to hear it. It’s like I really want to love them but don’t. I had tried screaming at Rogue Wave and what was left of my voice was nearly gone. I was in pain and tired. Luckily, they played Company in my Back as the second song, so I just left after that. I could hear them for blocks as I walked towards the bus, though. So yes, I skipped out on Jack Johnson and half of Wilco, and I have absolutely no regrets about it.
I got home, got some groceries, spent the evening making soup, and sent out my sick notice before crashing. I took some sleep aid because my throat was so bad I could barely swallow without wincing. I slept in and feel a little better. I knew I needed rest or this would just get worse. I’m taking it easy, sipping on my jasmine green tea, and it’s definitely helping. I may not be too far from taking a nap, though. I just really need to be able to get to work tomorrow. It has potential to be a busy work, especially since it’s a short week leading in to a long weekend.
Being sick does indeed suck, but this festival was pretty amazing and it’s likely they can count me in for next year, even if I have to go by myself again. My only request would be that smoking be banned. It was pretty impossible to avoid getting a blast of smoke in my face. My favorite time was when smokers would obviously try to blow it away from their own group of people, literally angling it right at me. Thanks. Thanks, a lot. A girl can only hold her breath so much & so often.
Oh, and as a final note, Be Kind, Rewind was not all that good. In fact, it bordered on bad. I can appreciate a mindless comedy, but I’m not sure I ever laughed, not once.
My afternoon departure was greeted with some welcome SF sunshine & warm temps as I walked towards the bus stop. By the time the bus made it down to Golden Gate Park, all signs of that lovely weather were gone. No bother. I had my gloves, scarf, hat, and blanket, ready to withstand anything the day had to bring. I found myself over in Lindley Meadow, up on an embankment that ran along the edge of the area. I spread out my blanket, pulled out my successfully smuggled snacks, and had a private picnic for one with the sounds of Devendra Banhart streaming from the stage ahead of me. As his show came to an end, I watched the mass of people move away from the stage, slow & steady like a glacier. I sat waiting patiently to see just how many people would clear out. It turned out, most of them. I meandered down the hill, closing in on the stage. I found a lovely spot on a slope at stage right already dotted with others planning to enjoy the show from the comfort of their blankets. I made camp and in seemingly no time, the gaps around me slowly filled. I was just high enough to see over those standing in front of me but close enough to feel part of the show that was about to begin.
M. Ward quietly took the stage and breathed a "hello, San Francisco" to the crowd that had gathered. They began with Poison Cup and proceeded to play Post-War in its entirety, closing with a drawn out jam of Afterword/Rag. It was simple and lovely. He’s very well-suited to an outdoor venue. Sure, I would have enjoyed hearing some older tracks, but playing the album set did make for a seamless show. The guitar solos were outstanding. I’ve never seen anyone bent over his guitar, playing so intensely. Even the other musicians on stage seemed to be in awe at his picking. Post-War melted my heart and Chinese Translation made me sway and when I closed my eyes, I was transported to another time. The sound was perfect, and looking over the crowd, you might have confused the show with a small town street festival. It was entirely opposite of a typical "rock" show. People weren’t just rocking out, they were happily dancing like it was a party.
I had an hour to pass before The Walkmen took the stage, so I caught the latter part of Nellie McKay’s show. Two songs in, and I was pretty confused by her entire act. I knew nothing about this lady, and I couldn’t determine if she was drunk/high, mentally challenged, or just a bit strange. She made some amusing remarks, but really, I did not enjoy her performance all that much, though the several people around me who kept repeating, "Man, I love her." begged to differ. She gets points for being a strange character and addressing some good topics in her songs & in-between soap boxes, I suppose.
I sat my blanket down directly in front of the stage. I’ve been wanting to see The Walkmen for at least 4 years, but they’ve never played anywhere close to me. Well, I cannot say they are as well-suited to the outdoor setup. In fact, it seemed a bit weird seeing them in plain dress, but it did not lessen the impact of the music. Though they played several tracks off their upcoming release, You & Me, they did pull out several Bows+Arrows tracks, including two of my favorites, No Christmas While I’m Talking and Thinking of a Dream I Had. The intensity of the latter made me think it was the show closer. I was rocking out as much as I had room to and singing along. They killed it. Vocals were stretched to the max. I thought he might explode. It was so great. I really, really hope I can catch them at another venue. I had always feared they would be one of those bands that are less good live, but I was completely mistaken. It was a fantastic performance, and I got to take it in front & center. Even one of the security guys said to some of us after the show, "I’d never heard of these guys, but they’re pretty awesome." More unexpected when I tell you he was a really large hispanic man with a shaved head and wrap-around shades. Stereotypes are just so hard to break. I would have loved to hear We’ve Been Had or Hang on, Shioban but I heard enough of B+A to leave completely satisfied.
I ventured back to the same spot on the hill where I had started the day to sample some Cake. I wasn’t close enough to see much, but they sounded great. It was near 7pm by then, and it was pretty cold. I was wrapped in my blanket too tightly to consider clapping, but the thousands of others had it under control. They seemed to talk more than they played, but did play through the classics Wheels, Sheep Go To Heaven, and Never There, the show closer. Show moment to highlight was the giving away of a tree. He literally surveyed the crowd for a person who could name the type of tree he had on stage. Well, a guy not only knew it was an oak but new it was a "live oak." So this guy walks up to the edge of the stage and the lead singer hands the man a tree and asks only that he send them photos of him with the tree as it grows up. I thought that was really cool. "Hey, look honey, Cake gave me a tree."
About half the Cake audience dispersed mid-set to venture over to the polo fields in preparation for Tom Petty, which was set to kick off 10 minutes after Cake wrapped up. I walked in to the polo fields and looked upon the 3/4 full grounds. After some debate, I forged on toward the stage, discovering a railing along the side which provided a clear view of one of the screens and 1/4 of the stage. I took it. I enjoy a lot of Tom Petty songs, but I’d be lying if I said I was really anxious to see the show. I had pretty much decided I wouldn’t be sticking around the whole time. I enjoyed Free Fallin’ and Last Dance with Mary Jane from my close spot, before venturing away from the stage to take in the ambience of the evening lighting. After finding I’d taken pictures of just about everything, Petty announced Steve Winwood would join them on stage, so I stuck around to see that since I had passed on his solo set earlier. I actually didn’t realize who he was at the time. I don’t know many Traffic songs either, though.
By this time, I was 3/4 back in the polo field, well behind the mass of people and very much standing by myself in the dark with the glow of a stage far out ahead of me. It was a surreal moment, being near thousands of people and yet feeling as if I had the place all to myself. I thought ahead to years from now. I thought about younger generations getting to my age and possibly getting in to bands that I had enjoyed at their age who by that time have long since been broken up or buried. I pictured them looking on me with the same envy that I do with people years older than me now who got to see the likes of Hendrix and The Doors. I want them to be overcome by the power of OK Computer, and I can tell them of the night I saw Radiohead in Golden Gate Park and heard thousands of people sing along to Karma Police. And after this festival, that story will translate to so many other great bands. I was still by myself all day today, but I’m making some amazing memories and completely comfortable doing it alone.
As you may have guessed by now, I left about half-way through the Petty show. It was freezing, and I knew I could get home a bit faster if I left before the masses. Sure enough, I was home in only an hour tonight. I had time between bus transfers to stop in for a chai at Starbucks (free, thanks to Ashley’s gift card). It was so good. In fact, I just finished it. When I got off the bus, it was strange that the Marina felt warmer than where I’d been. I can’t say for sure whether it really was warmer, or if it were just the effects of the chai or just that warm feeling you get when you’ve been away from home for awhile and you’re almost back. Either way, as I sipped on my chai and walked the few remaining blocks to my place, I was greeted by Karma Police on my ipod. I smiled and rediscovered my Radiohead happy place all over again as I sang along.
See all festival photos. I love my Powershot. Sure, digital zoom is a bad idea in general, but it helped me see things I couldn’t and the quality wasn’t nearly as bad as expected. My back is thankful not to have the extra weight of the DSLR, too.
Tomorrow marks the last day of the festival. It has a lot of awesome to live up to.
I’m exhausted. I left work a bit before 5pm, and it only took a little under 2 hours to make it across the city :) I missed several bands. I could have seen Beck, but I made the choice to stake my spot for Radiohead, the true motivation behind my ticket purchase. I spread out my new akqa blanket in front of the handicap podium, which was a great spot. I was able to stand on the fencing and see above the entire flood of people.
But everything else seemed to go downhill from there. The sound cut out for half of two songs and was pretty bad for most the show. The guy manning the handicap ramp picked the quietest, most intimate moments of songs to yell at people to get off the ramp. A man down the way had a seizure. Another man in a wheelchair had to roll through mid-show. And the guy behind me decided he felt like talking...a lot. All potential outcomes when around so many people. I took it in stride, though. I’d been waiting to see Radiohead for 10 years. Literally.
I can’t say they topped NIN, but it was pretty amazing. I was thrilled to hear so much OK Computer. Airbag was the 3rd song of the set, which I happened to film. I had honestly forgotten just how much I love that album. I haven’t given it a good listen in so long, but all the lyrics came rushing back. I fell asleep to that album for at least half of my freshman year in college.
My favorite moment: the crowd over-singing the band on Karma Police. Favorite song: Exit Music (for a film). Silence fell over the entire crowd. It was beautiful. Just & Nude were also amazing. They closed the night with Everything in its right place. Leaving the stage with a loop of "There are two colours in my head," and a crowd hoping for a return to the stage. But that was the end. Sadly. Overall, I was really happy with the set list. Actually, if they had only played Exit Music and left the stage, I would have gone home happy. I love that song so much.
I was close enough to make out the figure of Thom Yorke dancing around. He never stopped dancing. He was in his own world up there. Pretty incredible. During You and whose army, he put his eye in the camera lens, which I think happens at every show. However, tonight, about 3 "come on" lines in to the song, he just started cracking up and had to look away from the camera. We were all cracking up. Later, he was just being playful and making hand gestures. It was amusing. He seemed like a nice chap, and handled the equipment problems very well, ending simply with "after all, it’s about the music."
I’ve walked more today than I would like to think about. From 6th Ave to 25th Ave to 30th Ave and from 30th Ave back to 5th Ave (~4 mile round trip). I made amazing time, though. It took me exactly 30 minutes from the moment I started to leave the show to my arrival at 5th, and that was with a few minutes waiting at 2 bus stops. I squeezed on the second, which got me to Masonic, where I waited for 20 minutes only to squeeze on to that bus as well. I guess I was hoping no one would make it over to that line. So 2 hours later, I made it home. When I sat down on my futon, I realized I hadn’t been to the bathroom in nearly 7 hours. I had cut my water intake, but still, I was so focused on trying to get myself home that I didn’t even really think about it, nor the fact that I had skipped dinner. It was totally worth it, though.
I saw Radiohead for the first time in the first real night concert in Golden Gate Park, amongst 50,000 people from all around the country. And I did it all by myself. And it’s looking like I’ll be doing the next 2 days solo as well. It was actually nice. I did whatever I felt like.
Only 2 regrets: not putting Radiohead on my iPod and not having a bike.
And now I must sleep, though all this late night business does take me back to my Midwest Music Summit days. Walking around taking photos by myself and staying up way too late blogging about it & waiting for photos/video to upload.
I made it to work just in time to board 1 of 4 massive tour buses which were taking us across Golden Gate and up to Belvedere Tiburon in Marin County. The city was blanketed in a dense fog, still at 10am. It was my first trip across Golden Gate, and all I could see was the road, which admittedly made me a bit nervous. Within minutes of getting across, blue began to peak out from behind the fog and soon we were in beautiful blue skies.
We passed a few of the guys who had decided to bike over (~15 miles) and proceeded down a narrow, curvy road, not at all intended for buses. In fact, we found that we couldn’t even turn in to the entrance of the park so all the drivers had to back the buses down to the parking lot and back them out when we left later that day.
Each seat on the bus had an AKQA branded picnic blanket wrapped in a plaid ribbon, supporting the theme, AKQA Highlands. I had a sentimental moment as it was really my first possession that carried the company logo. *tear* :)
I spent the bus ride over and most of the day with Antonio, who is honestly just always full of surprising information. The guy can do amazing things with a hulu hoop and goes to the most random events, like World Hoop Day and a concert that had barbershop quartet singers wearing cloth diapers. It’s not hard to make conversation with this guy.
It was a tough day for me. I really don’t have my "band of brothers," so to speak, and the closest I do have weren’t at the picnic. I met a lot of people though and feel I did well at mingling. I had a good time. It was so beautiful and certainly inspiring to get off my lazy bum and take some day trips with Holiday. It was maybe 75-degrees and just perfectly clear.
My group won the trivia contest, so we get to pick a day for having omelets. It was that or a massage, which I’m sure would feel great but I find the whole idea of a stranger giving me a rub down a little weird and awkward, especially at work :-/
The bus ride home was nice. There were a couple guitars and some guys played some tunes for us the whole way back. I had to film McGoorty singing Dock of the Bay though. It was just too appropriate of a song to not record. So funny. I’ve loved this song since I was really little, and never thought about it being about SF. Now, here I am...I can walk a block whenever I choose and literally be sitting on the dock of "the bay." And I did travel 2000 miles to make this dock my home. I love it here. I really do.
It was a nice, relaxing day. I’m definitely exhausted from all the time in the sun though. Radiohead is tomorrow! I get to take my new blanket and soak it up for all it is sure to be.
It’s been an eventful 24 hours. Late last night I was surfing the strictly platonic section of craig’s list, as noted before, my new guilty pleasure, and I found a guy seeking a dinner party date for his friend that evening. Well, the dinner party had already started by the time I saw the post, but I sent a message anyway, because his friend sounded interesting. Well, a bit later, I got a reply from the guy with a webcam photo of all 5 people who were enjoying the party. Hilarious. I had mentioned in my message not to hold it against me for being on the internet on a Saturday night, because after all, based on where his post lived, he had to expect some degree of internet geekness. So yeah, he said to come on over and join in the dessert/drinking/wii-mariokart party, all of which sounded awesome, but it was already past 10pm and I hadn’t even showered (you’re not supposed to on lazy days), so I had to pass. The entire thing was just so funny to me. I’d made them out to be these "cool" people who had this "nerdy" friend they needed to hook up, but they were all geeks and it was great. Their friend didn’t exactly grab my eye, but they seemed like a fun group that I could possibly join. I must say, I continue to impress myself with my online courage.
So today, I got up early and headed down to Castro where I joined Paige & Hal at 2223 Restaurant for an early brunch. I must say, the place was really nice. The menu had too many yummy things to choose from. Paige caved in and went for the cinnamon roll, which turned out to be 8" in diameter. I suppose that explains the $5 price tag, which turns out to be quite reasonable. I didn’t love my meal. The brioche toast & home fries were great, but not the eggs so much. I think I might have to go back and sample some other items though. Hal raved about the homemade sausage, so I might hit up the biscuits & gravy next round. It was good times, as always, hanging with Paige & Hal, though. I don’t see them enough, but I suppose it makes our brunch time all that more fun.
I had quite a bit of time to kill before my movie at Castro Theatre, so I walked around the neighborhood for awhile and spent a lot of time at the local variety store. I finally got a dish drainer. I shopped for the one I wanted and came back after the movie to buy it. It has changed my dishwashing life.
So yes, I saw Sex and the City at Castro Theatre, which was a great time. The theatre lived up to all the hype. It was beautiful, only made better by the Billie Holiday soundtrack playing before the movie. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I have to say it was the best way to see that movie. It was a small crowd, split 50/50 between straight & gay couples, with a few other solo watchers like myself. The movie was so much funnier to me since it was mainly guys I heard cracking up around me. It was really fun. It’s interesting how in the darkness, you find a sort of camaraderie with the strangers around you. I always have a moment that I forget where I am, no sense of time or location, usually right before they roll credits, when I know the lights will be coming up. I suddenly realize..."Oh, I’m not at home. Oh, I don’t know anyone around me." and now, "Oh, I’m in San Francisco." I still have those moments where I feel I’m back in Indiana. I had a fluttering thought of walking out in to the Carmel movie theater lobby and on out to the massive parking lot where Holiday would be waiting. Strange how far our minds can take us from our physical situation.
The morning was blanketed by a heavy fog which felt a bit like a drizzle as I walked to the bus, but in pure SF fashion, by late afternoon, the sun was out with blue skies. I got home and took care of laundry and enjoyed my lovely monthly catch-up call with Amy. It’s funny. I feel like we’re almost better friends with this distance. She may be the first to survive as a long distance friend...well and maybe, Tyler, but only because it’s easy to stay in touch with people on IM. All other fears aside, I’m really looking forward to reconnecting with a few friends when I go home for the holidays. It was a tough call when booking the flight, but I decided I’d rather enjoy NYE with those people than hope I happen across plans here.
But yes, it was a lovely day. Castro was much nicer in the light of day and without the pounding beat of the massive Pride party. And I have to say, gay couples are pretty lovely. I feel like they’re not trying hard to look casual & independent. They’ve had to work so hard to earn the right to be together, that they embrace it for everything. Too much handholding to even keep a tally of. Really, the only thing about the district that bothered me was a neon sign that read "gay cleaning". It was a laundromat of sorts, which I guess makes it less bad, but still, something about it seemed a bit wrong.
But now, I think I may try to squeeze in a movie before calling it a night. This weekend has flown, as they always seem to do out here.
See more Castro Theatre pics and others in my Life in SF set.
I have often spoken of cycles in my life, more in relation to friendships than the bigger picture, though. I’m going to continue to run the topic of my changed life outlook in to the ground. Since feeling like I’ve discovered myself and my key to inner happiness and sharing it here, my readership has dropped from maybe five regulars to two. All I can take from that is that people are too freaked out by a positive Mindy that they can’t bring themselves to read about it. And I see that as a good thing because it confirms there has been a change. Always having had a limited readership, it’s safe to say this place is more for me than anything.
Back to the topic at hand--cycles. Themes in my life have been revealing themselves over the past couple weeks. I had my era of Emerson and inner soul searching, which consisted of solo lunch dining, long walks, and as much time home as possible. This week I’ve traded in Emerson for another book that has been gathering dust on my shelf: Sy Montgomery’s The Good Good Pig. I got it from the free bin at NPR when I was in DC a couple years ago. Some people may know that pigs are an animal I hold dearly, for no particular religious reasons but out of plain and simple admiration. And so, this book caught my attention. I’m less than 100 pages in, and I will admit that I try to conceal the book cover on the bus out of a bit of embarrassment. Nevertheless, I’m thoroughly enjoying it. For one, it’s a pleasant escape to some easier reading, and also, several of the sentiments expressed bring a reminiscent smile to my face. Of course, people love things that make them smile. The story is about two freelance writers in rural PA who find themselves adopting a runt pig to raise. It’s a true story, which adds all that much more charm. With every page, I find myself falling more in love with the leading man, Christopher Hogwood, the dear little adopted piglet.
I suppose this book is my escape back to a childhood that seems more and more distant everyday. There’s a sheriff who keeps apples in his cruiser for leading Chris home to the farm when he comes across him exploring. I savor stories about nice people (because they also make me smile). As I’ve said before, there are days here where I begin to feel overwhelmed by the rudeness of people I encounter. There is a woman in the office who brings my spirits down 10 points just by being there. I’ve never heard someone speak down to people on the phone as much as she. I can’t decide whether she’s aware of how she sounds, because if not, I feel it may be my duty to let her know. I’d feel guilty for weeks if I spoke to people as she does. But I suppose, that’s part of my bigger problem, trying to make people make sense. In my mind, we should all be able to have that realization of how our actions impact those around us and create the positive/negative tone for our entire world. The jocks at my dad’s HS probably don’t know that their teasing caused my family hardships so many years later. Everything you do and say marks someone else in a way. I wish we could all realize the extent of that mark earlier in life.
I’m drifting. Themes. So I’m reading this book, The Good Good Pig, and I’ve noticed changes. I still dine alone but I say hello to other people in the kitchen. I say thank you to the driver when I depart the bus. I eavesdrop on old people and smile at their conversations. I make hearty meals and feel like I’ve discovered apple crisp for the first time. Being outside is a distinct pleasure, not just a means of traveling from one place to another. Someone left some CDs for the taking in the office kitchen. One was Country’s 20 Classic Songs of the Century. I listened to it as soon as I got home, and it was just lovely. It just seemed such an unlikely item to find its way in to a SF agency, but was a perfect fit with my smalltown theme for the week. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of listening to the lyrics of Okie from Muskogee, while living in SF. Also, I’ve been much more social in the office, treating Monday mornings like a trip to the local coffee shop, catching up on everyone’s lives. I had my first rushed deadline yesterday, and I loved the adrenaline rush. And I loved sort of feeling like I knew what I was doing. My work neighbors put together a lunch outing on Thursday as a sort of parting social event, since we shall arrive Monday to new desks in different spots around the office. I enjoyed that since of camaraderie. My favorite moment, though, was yesterday. We were packing up our belongings, when the guy next to me pointed out the post in the middle of our area. I had never noticed but it was marked with the heights of others who had worked in that area, so we each lined up and left our mark as well. We did the same way in the doorway between the kitchen and back porch in the house where I grew up. I had completely forgotten about it, but standing there, marking my height on a post, all those feelings of excitement of "growing up" came flooding back. It was a beautiful moment.
And last night was spindig. Most of us had left work early due to the move. I walked halfway home along Embarcadero, before catching a bus for the last leg, to give me time to tackle some project tweaks I needed to do. I caught the bus to Butter at nearly 7:30pm and it was packed. There were lots of old people by me. I’m not sure what event was going on but they were all headed the same way. One man sat next to me with a green blazer, cane, and a beautiful hat with a plaid ribbon trim. Seeing him made me happy. And the bus driver, he wasn’t old, but he was lovely. MUNI has some great employees. He remembered to shout out spots for several different groups, and as one lady started to depart the bus, he kindly said "Mam, I believe you need the next stop." which launched a 1-block conversation about SF weather. He kindly entertained her ranting, and I really appreciated it. He was still behind the wheel when I left spindig later that night and that made for a lovely cap on the evening ride.
There were hardly any people I knew when I arrived to spindig. It worked out well, though. I think I managed to talk to about every co-worker who showed up, a few of them that I had never met before. It was a lovely evening. Ryan P. was spinning, and I won’t lie, he’s my favorite. The night definitely dropped off after he and Stef handed off the turntables. I had a really nice time and did well at walking away from conversations when they lost my interest. I had my 2 After School Specials (my monthly allowance), and enjoyed the rest of the night without a drink. I just feel so much better the next morning, and it has nothing to do with hangovers. I’m just better able to enjoy the company of people and avoid drama. I feel I leave with my self-dignity. I know I don’t need a drink in my hand to have a nice time, and so I don’t want to let other people make me feel like I do. It just helps me hold on to a little something that keeps me from getting depressed. I had no ties last night, though. I arrived when I wanted, talked to whomever I wanted, and left when I pleased. As much as I appreciate a social companion at times, I do enjoy the freedom of having only myself to worry about.
After having some social time last night, I’m perfectly content enjoying today all by myself. I’m appreciating some time to relax in anticipation of the coming week, which is certain to be non-stop. Tomorrow I’m having Sunday brunch with Paige & Hal (yay!) and then hopefully checking out Sex in the City. I’m finding a whole new appreciation for going to movies by myself.
I was really hoping to do some writing today, but my post-lunch fatigue is setting in. My sleep has been restless for the last week, but I’m doing my best to stay on top of it. My first company picnic is next week, as well as Outside Lands, which means my first Radiohead show as well. I’m really excited. I think I’m going to the festival by myself, and I’m not 100% sure what I’m getting in to but it seems likely I may meet some new people at the shows. Good times.
August, I love you. You shall go down in history as one of the best months in my life. Keep it up.
Broadripple is Burning - Margot and The Nuclear So & So’s
Yes, so I read my own blog. It’s not that surprising, really, is it?
Well, a year ago today I posted 15 min and a coping saw, which I recalled was my adventure with an unlocked Blockbuster DVD. Well, the second half of the post was full of Mediasauce memories, including a sad little sentence I wrote, that at the time, I thought was full of hope but reading it now, makes me feel like I gave up on my life.
ah, i look forward to days when i can worry about finding the right spot to photograph or which word to use rather than making a site work in IE or what site structure makes the most sense.
Oh, Mindy. How easily you forsake the things you love.
I do enjoy my new job, but I wrote that 3 years ago. 3 years. I should be on my way to creative rockstar status by now.
haha...well, happy wednesday to me, downer donna.
Have no fear. At least I haven’t stopped trying to think positively. So far, I’m making a really good run at it. And this post, it’s fuel not self-loathing (okay, maybe just a little self-loathing). No self-discouragement from this chica, though. I’m going to make up for those 3 years, somehow, some way.
Big plans for the weekend. Big plans just for me, because I’m so damn special I don’t need people. And I made apple crisp for the first time in my life. Something about making a delicious dessert just makes everything feel better.
And I’m purposely running late right now, because the 8:47 bus is the attractive boys bus. Any earlier, it’s a bunch of unfriendly women and any later, it’s dirty old men. Gotta time it just right.
It’s a lame photo, but it’s better than none at all. So I utilized craig’s list for yet another social outing. Today it was a Giants vs Dodgers game at AT&T Park. The guy got tickets from his company, so we were at the first base line, 28 rows up. They seemed to be pretty good seats. Nice view of the game. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. Perfect, mid-70s. We were in shade the entire game, which was nice, but I was sort of hoping to get some sun. He was a cool enough guy. We passed the time pretty well. Lots of common band interests. I’m enjoying meeting new people, and it’s nice to be able to hang out with a guy without the expectations that come with a date. We hang out. I go home and no one is under any obligation to contact the other ever again, unless they so please. It’s just easier to relax and enjoy the event at hand.
I pretty much wasted all of yesterday. I did get some cleaning done, but I mainly sat on my futon watching movies. I saw Spy Games, 27 Dresses, and Eight Men Out, the latter of which inspired me to want to see a Giants game. It just so happened that I was able to go the next day. Funny how that works out.
Not much else to report other than I made homemade cinnamon rolls at the start of the week, and I wiped out the first pan today. Luckily, I froze the other pan so I can bake them up fresh this week.
Also, Mitch is coming out to visit in a month or so, which is exciting. And Derek will be back in town in less than a couple weeks. It’s like a Transgres SF reunion. Good times.
And I just got my Fleet Foxes & Margot tickets! Yay for the company summer fund.
Just a quick post. I’m gonna try to grab a nap before heading out to a midnight showing of Meet the Feebles. So today, I saw this guy on the bus for the 3rd time. We waited alone for the bus last week, but he got on a different bus. The next morning I didn’t see him, but he got on my bus at the next stop up. And a couple days later, he was on my bus again. He got on and we made eye contact. He made it halfway back and seemed to linger & debate before plopping down up where he was. Crap. I had an open seat next to me and everything. So when he goes to get off the bus, he stands by the back door and stares to the back of the bus. I looked up and we made eye contact, before I got scared and glanced down. I worked up the willpower to look up again and met his eyes again. This time we just held it and then he got off the bus. I was like "WTF just happened". I should mention that I posted a missed connection after the 2nd sighting, so the strange exchanging of glances made me paranoid that he had seen the missed connection and was now just sizing me up...or just thinking "why does this girl keep looking at me?" *sigh* Tyler tried telling me that eyes can only say so much. They should say everything, dammit. Every other person that I make eye contact with on the bus ends up sitting by me. That’s just how it works. Pay attention next time.
Well, this morning, I saw him again for the first time after our staring. I didn’t notice him until I saw someone glance back at me. He sat 2 seats ahead of me. I debated swinging up but decided instead that I’d hand him my card when he left the bus. Naturally, I thought I wouldn’t have a biz card or a writing utensil. I had both but as he literally stood a foot away at the back door, I lost all willpower to hand it over. For one, the bus was way too quiet, and I didn’t know anyone else. If I’d had a friend there, I would have done it if only to keep from looking weak. Sadly, I had no image to maintain for these strangers, except apparently the lack of a reputation of being that quiet girl that accosted the poor boy with the red bag.
But that’s not all. My bus is where it all happens. A couple weeks before I left for Amsterdam, I saw a profile view of a guy near the front of the bus who I was convinced was Johnny. I was like "Did that bastard come to town without telling me?" He got off at the same stop as me, and that was the last I saw of him, until yesterday. Well, I didn’t realize it was the same guy until today but anyway, he was waiting with me at the bus stop by work. Sure, I thought he was cute but I already had this other bus crush. You can only handle so many. Well, this morning, I was waiting for the bus, and around the corner walks this guy. We did a subtle acknowledgement that we had seen each other before, like an eyebrow raise. When I saw him once we got on the bus, I realized that he was my Johnny look-alike, but he really looked nothing like him up close. So yeah, now I have a bit of another bus crush forming, since this guy works & lives near me. That sounds really convenient, don’t you think? Also, my other guy...well, it sort of would be nice if he’d sit by me. I mean I get on the bus first. I sat near the front for the last week, to make myself more accessible. I just need to get over my fears and go for it. Worst case he’s not interested, in a relationship, or gay. And 2 of those leave room for a friend that lives nearby at least.
So yes, this was boring as crap, but I need to post it to remind myself. If I don’t pursue these guys to some degree, I’m gonna have to read this in 10 years when I’m bitching about never being able to find decent guys and be forced to admit I had some chances that I chose to pass up.
I just remembered a t-shirt I had in junior high. It was black with white lettering that read: "Sometimes b-sharp, never b-flat, always b-natural" (apparently there are no ascii codes for music notation). Yes, I was a band geek. First chair clarinet. Yes, status mattered. If you were gonna be in the band, you had to at least be good. Aside from knowing better than the teacher whatever software we were being taught in school, practicing that clarinet was probably the hobby I put the most focus & energy behind in the history of my life. I’m not even sure I liked our 6th grade band instructor, but I practiced my little heart out the entire summer before band practice began. By 7th grade, we got a new teacher who I adored, and so I practiced even more. We had to fill out practice sheets for how many hours we practiced. I always did the max. I wanted that damn gold star next to my name each week. In fact, I think I did it more for that star than because I actually enjoyed playing. Not that I hated it. There’s an energy when you’re playing music with a large group of people that just cannot be replicated elsewhere. I couldn’t play 1812 Overture for the life of me, but while I stood there faking it amongst all the other band members of the county schools, with canons going off in the background, it sent chills all up & down me. I’ve always loved that song, but being in the middle of that sound just took it somewhere higher.
And that story has absolutely nothing to do with what I was going to post about, but that shirt popped in to my head and out came the words. The subject of this post is the name of the book I wish I had but thankfully don’t need thanks to the internet. I’m taking small steps towards being a healthier person, which meant trying dried fruit for the first time this week and picking up some grapes & raspberries instead of crackers. I just tried a raspberry but hit what I thought were seeds, forcing me to consider if there were something beyond washing I should have done to these berries before eating them. So I literally googled "how to eat raspberries" which delivered a list of 8 ways to enjoy fresh raspberries. Awesome. It seems I was on the money by just tossing some sugar on them. Funny, the more sugar I put on, the more I liked them. You know, I’ve never had anything with raspberries. I’ve always gotten my cheesecake plain and steered away from fruit cobblers and tortes. I even picked raspberries back home...for my brother to sell but it wasn’t until just now, at age 26, that I grabbed a berry and ate it. But so it goes, that when you avoid doing something for so long, even the most trivial events become a huge deal. So I’ve had craisins and raspberries all in one week. Look at me.
I’ve also been taking the stairs at work for a straight few weeks. Six flights up & six flights down and some little errands between floors 4 & 6 throughout the day. I know they are little things. But bunches of little things add up to big things. Oh, look at me, the optimist.
Next step is breaking out my Hip Hop Abs dvds again. That one hasn’t so much been an issue of motivation, so much as a debate on how to do it quietly on hardwood floors. The jury is still out on that one.
My biggest fear right now is that I’m going to run out of Emerson to read on the bus. I started underlining sentences that I found profound, but realized, I technically wanted to underline the entire book which defeats the purpose. I’m reading through some essay selections. I’ve mentioned The Over-soul, but I’ve also read through Experience, Montaigne; or, the Sceptic, and Circles. When I run out of Emerson, I shall track down some Montaigne. I also read some of his poetry. I especially liked these stanzas from Waldeinsamkeit (German for ’forest isolation’):
I do not count the hours I spend In wandering by the sea; The forest is my loyal friend Like God it useth me.
In plains that room for shadows make Of skirting hills to lie, Bound in by streams which give and take Their colors from the sky; Or on the mountain-crest sublime, Or down the oaken glade O what have I to do with time? For this the day was made.
I’m really uncertain why I didn’t pursue literature/writing more seriously all these years it’s obsessed my mind. I think it was because I hated The Canterbury Tales. Reading those ruined reading for me for a long time. I’ve never dreaded a reading assignment more in my life. In fact, I just didn’t read some of them. But give me some Emerson or Thoreau and I could read until the end of time. All of these Emerson writings are a difficult read. I re-visit every line, seeking to understand its meaning, and I know that when I read these all again I’ll discover even more. My English professor thought me crazy for tackling Nature & Emerson for a series of papers, but those assignments forced me to dig even deeper. I just read my old papers, and I think my understanding of Emerson has evolved significantly since writing those, but I was still pretty impressed at some of the explanations I offered. Funny how old words can seem so foreign, as if written by a perfect stranger and never before seen. One paper called out a mention of a quote on the back of the book:
"A man or woman today might not want to imitate Emerson, but if he did, at least he would know what it meant to be fully alive"
I don’t know enough about Emerson to imitate him, but I feel myself evolving towards a like-mindedness. Having his thoughts in the back of my mind continue to provide a new foundation for my outlook and evaluation of events in my life.
(3 hour break to read old English papers and feel inspired to send a huge email to my HS English teacher)
I think I used up all my word magic for the evening. I don’t even remember what I was writing about here, but after 2 weeks of reading Emerson, my sentence structure is changing. If the email I had just written weren’t completely personal, I would so share it. I want to write like that here, but life is too busy. I could spend an entire afternoon writing up a beautifully written post, only to have even fewer people read it due to length.
I’m sleepy but I will say, being inspired feels wonderful. I walked almost the entire way home from work last night and about 1/3 of the way tonight. The city looks new from every angle. My zen moment for today was waiting for the bus on the steps of the Pacific Stock Exchange. I stared up at a building which seemed to have a tower that looked like a miniature sears tower. It was beautiful. I’d never noticed it. As I was locked in on it, I noticed clouds rushing behind it. I’ve seen clouds move, but usually by their shadows on the ground. But this day, the clouds were visibly flying up and over me, faster than I had ever seen (or noticed) before. It was incredible. With each movement, they carried closer a cold breeze that chilled my skin. It was all too beautiful for me to mind.
For the Maker of all things and all persons stands behind us, and casts his dread omniscience through us over things.
~ Emerson from The Over-soul
I read that line on the bus the other day and the image that came to mind was that of myself as this gigantic translucent being that stands between the sun and all other persons and things. And every negative or selfish thought turned a part of me dark and opaque. I could only imagine it was a glimpse at the philosophy that guided Ghandi and the like to such great heights. The power of the image was overwhelming.
And so the rest of this week, it was as if a light had been switched on. I don’t let negative thoughts enter me. I’ve been myself in all realms, following what feels right, not what makes me this or that. The freedom of mind is a bit of a power trip. Never have I felt so disconnected from the fears and anxieties that have always weighed so heavily on my mind.
It’s a true trial in being transparent and being myself is the best road there. It’s from basic things like sleeping when I’m tired, leaving a party when I stop having fun, and embracing embarrassing moments to bigger notions like providing support, even to people who have hurt or bothered me, and trying to deliver something more to other people in general.
Samples of my progress. I felt like social time Friday, and I went way out of my way to find it. I would have typically just accepted a depressing night alone on the internet, but that would go against my new religion of being a little selfish to aid the greater good. I met up with Jason at the Elbo Room, where again there was no settling. We went chill places and talked. I didn’t drink much because I didn’t feel like it. It was a really nice evening without any over-exertion, excess spending, or doing things I didn’t want to.
Before plans with Jason happened, I’d already visited Strictly Platonic on Craig’s List, seeking plans (I wasn’t kidding when I said I worked hard). I saw a post about joining a guy with an extra ticket to the sold out Conor Oberst show. I didn’t debate it and rationalize it, I opened up gmail and sent a brief email. And so, last night I met up with a perfect stranger at Farley’s (a great spot btw) and saw an incredible concert. He was a cool guy and we had a nice time.
Bottom of the Hill is incredible. It’s my Radio, Radio of the west. I never imagined I would be able to see Conor at such an intimate venue, but there I stood, 10 feet from a tiny stage. The opening act, Dri, was also quite incredible. A Morcheeba meets Velvet Underground trip-hop/psychedelic act from Lawrence, KS, they may have put us all in a trance but it was fantastic. I just closed my eyes and jumped in. They closed with a cover of Velvet Undergrounds I’m Set Free. Magic.
The best part about last night was I didn’t have my typical freak out on the way there about how weird the night was going to be. I’m finally getting to the point where I can greet strangers with the same personality I usually keep inside for only my close friends. There was a moment in the show where I had my branch on the tree realization. It was a sudden sensation of feeling like I was completely who I was supposed to be in that moment and with that realization, I saw myself in the balance of the whole world. As Emerson says, language falls short of being able to verbalize that sort of experience. It’s just something you know to be true because it just is.
Though I was a bit drunk on sleepiness, I was free of inhibitions without partaking of any alcoholic beverages. I rocked a water with no pressure to do otherwise. There was not a moment where I worried how other people were seeing me. It sounds silly to normal people but that was a huge step for me.
But yes, the concert was amazing. I saw Conor smile during 2 songs, which was also huge. He’s a very serious performer. The encore kicked off with a set by The Mystic Valley Band which stepped in to a cover of Harry Nilsson’s Everybody’s Talkin’, which Conor joined in on midway through. It was simple and great. I’m only a bit sad that some of my favorite songs from the show aren’t on the album and obviously, it would have rocked to hear some Bright Eyes tracks in that venue. Photos from both shows
Earlier in the day I ventured down to Haight St to see Conor and the Band perform at Amoeba Records. It was my first taste of his new band, and it definitely made me more excited for the show later that evening. However, Conor was wearing shades inside and that really bugged me. I might have left the show if he’d pulled that same crap later in the night. I had the star-struck moment too. Well, I’m not even sure that’s the word for it, but it’s quite possible I’ve heard more of and listened more closely to this guy’s words/voice than to those of my closest friends so he’s sort of been this invisible powerful influence in my life. There was a strange reality to seeing him stand under the same fluorescent glow, ahead of me, so average and normal.
Friday and Saturday were beautiful days in San Francisco, and I feel I soaked them up for everything they had to offer. And on top of everything else, I have a nice queue of projects at work and new people to work with. I also earned a spot on a concept team for a new pitch we’re doing. I’m definitely glad I spent some time working during my vacation. It’s all paying off. I’m just going with it. I think so long as I’m true to who I am, I will end up where I want to be.
Also, as soon as I got on the bus home from the show, I got a text from my friend, Dave E.
@ lolapal00za wouldnt be here if it wasnt 4 u :) thx mindy
I had no idea what he was talking about, but it seems my mention/encouragement to team up with MOKB as a photographer for shows they cover has really panned out. He’s at the festival with a photography pass, enjoying free beer and the best seats you can get. And that was the perfect crowning moment on my week. I considered counting that against my life list item to help someone achieve their dream, but instead, I shall make that item a tally and see how many times I can chalk one up. In all honesty, that feeling you get when someone thanks for you something even as small as that makes for a wicked high.
And as a closing thought, I shall do the big blog no-no and quote song lyrics.
So I come to make a trade. You can hate me but just love me in return. ... There’s nothing that the road cannot heal.
I stayed up later last night hoping I might sleep in a bit. No dice. Up an hour before my alarm. My brain was "on" the moment I opened my eyes. I started brainstorming projects when suddenly, images from my dream started pouring in. I dreamed I was kidnapped, along with my brother & sister, whose images faded in and out in to faces of strangers. At first, our captor was a large man with a mustache and a little assistant but soon, it became my dad. I was wearing a huge shirt so I kept trying to text my mom blindly from under it. I’m a paranoid girl so these are things I roughly know how to do: compose a text without looking at the screen. I kept hitting wrong buttons in the dream, though, and when I got to a bathroom, where I could actually look, my screen was a series of little icons of crows that didn’t appear to mean anything at all.
Most of the imagery is from Secret of NIMH, but the themes, I’m not so sure. I was talking to a girl last night about how she missed having seasons and we shared stories of seasonal habits from our childhood. I can only guess that planted a seed of homesickness in me. Also, in the dream, my mom was off in Europe, so I could be missing Amsterdam a bit too. Hearing the girl last night did make me a little sentimental. Those are conversations I need to avoid. Her references to the smell of fall and starting fires in the winter all spoke to me 100%.
I’m still happy here, though, but you could say I feel a bit trapped by my past. The movie I watched last night was all about finding who you are, so that probably brought this kidnapping theme about. I believe it represents feeling trapped by a situation or yearning for a chance to start again. It connects with too many situations present in my life right now. Many voids and barriers all at the same time.
I’m getting along just fine though. I’ve read some Emerson everyday this week, and something about his words and thoughts makes me feel more like I have place in this world. I share his observations but lack the talents to share them so thoughtfully. In speaking with his terms, right now I’m doing a poor job at letting the soul shine through me. At the same time, my trip brought with it some huge revelations about myself--not anything I didn’t know but things I knew and have tried to bury.
I’m embracing who I am and what I enjoy, while at the same time trying to balance a modest social existence. I’m an introvert. I enjoy simple pleasures and crowds stress me out in most scenarios. I forced myself to go to a social gathering after work yesterday. I was tired which didn’t help me branch out but I still met a few people. I think there is a guy at work who has been assigned as my secret social worker. Every time I’m out, he gives me a hard time when I leave early, even though I never ever speak to him at work or have a reason to. And his wife works with us too so it’s nothing like he has a thing for me. It appears to be a genuine concern about my social life. Last night, he came up to me and said "You’re shy aren’t you?" I replied, "I’m an introvert." because I believe there’s a difference. I’m okay talking to people but as an introvert, I’m okay not talking to them too. Something extroverts don’t get. I’m just very curious as to his interests. Of course, I’m going to analyze something most people wouldn’t think twice about. It’s what I do best.
Anyway. I’m trying to be true to me. Cooking & baking brings me pleasure so I’m doing that. Being out late brings down my mood the next day, so I’m going to bed on time. I like social time with small groups so I’m seeking out those experiences. Tyler played therapist for me about all this stuff. I told him I was struggling to differentiate the things I really enjoy from the things I force myself to enjoy to fit in. He set me straight. He said simply that the feeling I have when I go for a walk and take photos is different from the one when I’m out at a club. Indeed. Indeed. I’m not a partier but I always end up with partier friends because they’re extroverted and suck me in. I try to keep up with their idea of fun and it just ends me up feeling stressed and expended. I like going to chill places and having good conversation with a few close people. I just need to find my group. My go-to set of people who get that I’m anti-social sometimes but know I always have their backs and just understand who I am. I was spoiled in Indy. I had so many people with whom I could be myself and join in events I enjoyed. I don’t know where to find those people here but I’m looking. Until I find them, I have faith I can take care of myself. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being alone and being okay with it.
Measuring Cups - Andrew Bird
